Sunday, March 11, 2007

jealousy

I have never been a real jealous person. I was used to my X having more gentlemen friends then female friends. It was something I knew, and it did not bother me. But ever since she left me for the neighbor, I have been filled with jealous rage. It scare me. I am not a wrathful nor jealous person, and how quickly and strongly I can get angry because of jealousy these days bother me.

My sweetheart loves to dance and there are few men in the church group that dances that can keep up with her, and she loves to dance the faster dances with them. She also has a kind and gentle heart and will pass up dancing with me to ensure that those that don't have a dance partner get a chance to dance. I love this nature about her, but what I don't like are the occasional pangs of jealousy I feel. They are never very big and I soon squash them, but they should not be there. No one she dances with is in competition with me for her attention, everyone is a long time friend in a close knit circle of friends. I know this, I understand this, I don't understand why Im feeling jealousy towards them.

She did thank me last night for letting her dance a few dances with the others, and would usually let me know that she was going to dance with whom, and whether it was to give them a chance to dance or a song came on that they could dance the heck out of. She is a very wonderful person, and thoughtful beyond measure. When she thanked me for letting her dance with the others, I told her it was no problem and it was good for me. She asked me why, and I told her that I never was a jealous person, my x was a tomboy and had more guy friends then female friends and it never bothered me. until she left me for one and ended up pregnant. And that now I am jealous, but i have no reason to be with her and her circle of dance friends.

I am hoping that I got across the point I was trying to make to her, that sometimes i did feel jealous last night, and that i had no right, and she can tell that i may be acting that way to tell me that i am silly. or cute.. cute works too.

So, some of her friends are going to die. Seems that at the wedding, while we were waiting to disperse and go eat before dancing, we kissed. Her friends saw, and gave her a hard time about it in a good natured joking manner that all good friends have. It embarrassed her completely, and she had a hard time, i think, enjoying the majority of the slow dances because she was waiting for the next person to give her a hard time for being with me. It was different for me of course, as I don't know them that well yet, and their banter wouldnt bother me at all anyway. When i am dancing or i am out with her, my full attn is focused. I noticed, as i am sure a few others did that were watching from the sidelines, that when we danced, i never took my eyes off of her. I was dancing for her, with her, because of her. I just hope that she doesn't get any grief for it.

well, i have probably said enough. i should get around and get ready for a friends child's first birthday party/open house get together. I still need to eat and go get a card for the little one.

"May the lord bless you and keep you close to his heart. May he reach out and strengthen the bonds of relationship between you and yours. May he show through you the love that is in him for all people"

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